So, I had this post pretty much written the other day when I posted Part 1. But now, after talking to some more friends, I think this post is going to go in a different direction. I think it's pretty important to talk about some of the things women go through after childbirth. When I wrote that I was tired and anxious and depressed, I didn't go into detail. Another friend basically pulled that out of me when she said it had happened to her, too.

From the moments I knew they were inside me, I loved my babies. There was never any question. I loved feeling every kick, every hiccup, I prayed that they would be healthy and bright, and above all, happy. It never occurred to me that I might should pray that I would be happy as well.

Katie's birth story was pretty amazing, and you can read about it here - http://emilynjason.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-we-became-family.html . And as happy as I was that she was ok, that she was healthy, and as much as I loved her, I did not feel attached to her. It wasn't the mother-daughter birth story you read about.. I wanted every good thing for her, and I felt the natural urge to do everything I could to ensure her health and happiness. She was my daughter. But, as another friend put it, I felt more like the babysitter. I was there to feed and comfort her, and to read to her and count her toes, but surely she belonged to someone else?

I felt like this for Katie for a very long time. Later, once I realized that most people do not feel that way, I realized it must have been a form of PTSD from the way she was born. Or maybe it was because I was stressed so mentally because Jason was deployed. To be sure, it got better when I was only a month out from Jason coming home. And interestingly enough, this is also the time I decided to get back on birth control.

This was December of 2010. Looking back on it, I know this is about the time I started to really connect with Katie. I always assumed that was because this was our first opportunity alone. We moved back to Guam and it was just us, waiting on Daddy. And I felt great! I was happy!

I stayed on birth control until June of 2011, when we decided to try and conceive Baby Fred #2. Turns out that we're crazy people, and we conceived on the very first shot. I was officially pregnant and telling friends we were expecting #2 within 2 weeks. I guess my body levels out a bit with pregnancy, because I didn't have any emotional problems while I was pregnant with Geeby.

And then the pregnancy went off without a hitch. I spent a long time worrying, and he came out perfect. Small, but perfect. But soon after he was born, and probably soon after the pregnancy hormones wore off, I began to feel about him the same as I had felt about Katie in the beginning. I didn't realize it was something I could fix with medication.. I honestly just thought I was a terrible person. Here was this little boy that I loved so much, but I just couldn't force myself to feel like he was really, really my SON.

And now you already know the story between then and now. I figured it out, and I am so happy I did. In fact, I'm genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. There are things that stress me still, for sure! But I'm getting back to being me, and I am so happy about that. I know there are a few people who read this that I can count on for prayers, and I want to say thank you to them. I love y'all so much! And in case anyone is wondering, I feel 100% crazy mama bear attached to my two beautiful babies.

I wrote a while back that a lot of things had been happening, and I honestly didn't even know where to begin to write. I have really felt afraid that if I started to write, I wouldn't be able to stop because it would all just pour out of me. And trust me, there are some things that a lot of people just don't want to hear. But more importantly, there are two very tiny people who would much rather I play with them and occasionally cook them breakfast. And lunch. And sometimes dinner.

I'm going to try to post an abbreviated version, because I do think it's important to post my whole story. Though it won't be life changing for anybody else, my life has changed very much on the inside over the last year. Where I am now doesn't seem very significant if you don't know where I was 6 months ago.

Last April, something happened..I wasn't me anymore. I was anxious, depressed, tired.. constantly on the verge of tears. But, I was also in the process of a PCS move, where I would be single-momming it for a month, then going with  my husband to a 3 week school 3 states away, and oh you know.. raising 2 babies under 2. I felt like I had a right to be anxious, tired and depressed.

Toward the end of the Summer, it got worse. My first thoughts were the same.. "I'm a stay at home mom with two very little babies. Maybe I just need a break." So I enrolled Katie in Preschool 2 days a week. That didn't help. I was still just as stressed when I only had Garrett to care for.

Then I made a friend and got a hobby! That's what moms are supposed to do to keep their sanity, right? So I was following the rules. Well, that didn't help, either. (To be fair, I do now have this friend, and she is wonderful! And I'm so thankful for her! And I do pretty much adore sewing more than anything else I've ever done.)

Also, around this time I saw a doctor. I told him what was up with me, and he suggested an Anti-Depressant. He said he thought it was Post-Partum Depression. I disagreed, and in a big way.

Then, it came time for Christmas, and I thought maybe the holidays were just adding to my stress and anxiety levels.. maybe it would all level off after the holidays. Nope. That didn't happen, either. But around Christmas is when I began to realize there was something else going on. It wasn't just new mom stress. I felt really, really off.. So, obviously, I turned to Dr. Google with my symptoms. Once I got to clicking around, I found more and more that sounded like me. I don't remember where I found this to cite it, but I found one article that said "If you have 6 of these 14 symptoms, you should really see your doctor." I had 10!

It's not some scary disease, it's just too much Estrogen, but here are some of the symptoms:

Anxiety
Depression
Insomnia
Water retention
Nausea
Vomiting
Fatigue
Irregular periods
Breast swelling and tenderness
Fibrocystic breasts
Increased PMS symptoms
Loss of sex drive
Uterine fibroids
Cravings for sweets
Weight gain
Headaches
Recurring yeast infections
Leg cramps
Cold hands and feet
Hair thinning


Of that list of 20, I had 13 symptoms. Can you just take a second and imagine what it feels like to always have PMS? That's what I felt like! I felt like I was going nuts.. always so emotional and exhausted. So back to the Dr. I went, and I listed him my symptoms. As soon as I started describing how I felt, he mentioned an anti-depressant again. And he mentioned a therapist again. Once I got through the physical things that were going on, he agreed that it might be hormonal and agreed to do a test. But in the mean time, he would really prefer that I see a therapist. "Oh, and here's a prescription for an anti-depressant."

So, about a week later, my hormone test results came in. Or, at least that's when they called me and said I really needed to see a Gynecologist.

During the time between seeing my doctor and finally getting in to see a Gyno, I did see a therapist a few times. After our first assessment, she *strongly* recommended that I actually take the anti-depressant I had been prescribed. I didn't want to! I felt like taking that would just mask whatever might be going on with me, and that whatever WAS going on with me was not just a chemical in my brain.. it was something else. But, since two medical professionals had pushed it, and after talking to some friends and family members, I decided to take it. Umm.. Once. That was miserable and terrible and God-awful. I had some of the gross side effects, and yeah... that business is not for me.

Fast forward a few weeks, and I saw my new Gyno. Estrogen was through the roof. Fortunately for me, there is an easy fix, and that's birth control pills. I wasn't thrilled about going back on them, especially since I've had my tubes tied, but on them I went. And now, two months in, things are finally better. I finally feel like Emily again!

Part 2 coming tomorrow! Thanks for bearing with  me long enough to read this!

About a month ago, Baby G stopped taking his bottles. He slapped at them, screamed, arched his back, clamped his lips shut.. you get the picture. Talk about awful! I had no idea what to do!

Wait.. I take that back. I was afraid of what I was going to have to do if it kept up. You see, being Infant KB's mommy had it's very hard moments. Bottle feeding was one of them. KB had terrible reflux, which you can read about in dozens of my posts. She did all of those things that G was starting to do, and it got to the point where we had to force-feed her bottles. That was probably the hardest part of having a preemie. Seriously, having her in the  NICU for 27 days didn't hurt me as badly as having to force-feed her for 6 months.

G started life so easy.. He latched onto my breast his first day of life, took a bottle easily when I weaned him to formula at 3 months, and loved solid food the very first time we introduced him to it. He was easily drinking 32 oz of formula a day when he tried his first food, so it was time. All of a sudden, two weeks later, it came to a screeching halt. He was refusing every bottle, only getting maybe 16 ounces of formula a day from them, and those ounces were fought for! Food though, was a completely different story. He was still trying new things and gobbling up everything we gave him, so I knew he was hungry.

Don't let this precious face fool you.. I'm giving Mommy a hard time right now!

We tried everything.. first we switched his formula from Similac Sensitive for Spit Up to Enfamil AR. Nothing. We changed nipple sizes,  varied bottle temperatures, and added cereal to his bottles thinking maybe he was having reflux since this was the way KB acted when her reflux flared. Nothing. One day, four things happened.. #1, he had a slight temperature, so I gave him some Tylenol. #2, I found some of KB's left-over Prevacid and gave him that, too. #3, He took 2 full bottles in a row. #4 I talked to his pediatrician for the first time and she said it sounded like it could be reflux. Awesome. Of course, I had already decided that was the case since he had full bottles after the Prevacid. She also said that as long as he was making a few wet diapers a day, he was ok. She told me that stage 1 baby food has a lot of liquid, so he was getting that, and that since we make our own baby food, it's even better.



Having some delicious mommy-made squash

So a week went by, and nothing changed. He met his pediatrician for the first time on Aug. 22. He weighed 15.25 pounds, and she said he looked healthy. She also wrote a prescription for more Prevacid and said to come back if he got worse about eating.

Two more weeks went by, and the only thing that changed was that it did get worse. The Prevacid didn't seem to help at all, even after we increased his dose slightly. Then I realized that I could see two little bitty white spots on his lower gums.

After a terrible weekend of G hardly eating anything, and Honey being away for work on top of that, I made another appointment with the pediatrician. I told Honey over the phone that if I got in there and she said "Oh, it's teething." I was going to feel like a huge jerk. And that's exactly what happened. She told me to give him Tylenol every 4 hours. Oh, and after I nearly cried to her about how he hadn't been taking bottles at all, she showed me his weight. 16.1 pounds, which means he gained a full pound in 2 weeks! I told her how stupid I felt, and she was so kind about it. "Don't worry, this is my job. I say "It's just teething" probably 10 times a day."


So now, a week later, G has 1 tooth in his mouth and at least 2 more will be closely following. Oh, and he doesn't have reflux at all. Nope, this is just how teething affects my baby. My poor, poor baby.

So there I was, sailing happily along because the Big Girl Bed Transition went so smoothly. It even went smoothly when she had to sleep in a bed that was nearly three feet off the ground at Mammaw's house. At the suggestion of a friend (who heard it from another friend), we put swim noodles under the fitted sheet to create a barrier. It worked just as well as a baby gate, and cost about 1/10 the price! Woohoo for a $3 solution! She slept that way for 5 days, both bedtimes and naps, and she only fell out once! 


Then, suddenly, Katie realized that Mommy and Daddy were only 10 feet away, and she could get to us if she just crawled out of bed! For 3 nights, Honey and I played that game. She would peek around the door with her cute little face and smile so big - like we had been playing hide-and-seek and she found us. For  3 nights, we would make her walk back across the room and then we would place her in her sofa bed and tuck her in.. Again. We must have done that 5 times each of those 3 nights. 


Then yesterday at nap time I knew we had to quit. If we kept going in there and tucking her back in, we'd be  doing it until she went to college. 


So, after the 3rd time yesterday, I told her it was for real. "Katie, this is the last time Mommy is tucking you back in bed. If you get out of bed again, you will have to sleep on the floor." (She can't climb back into the bed alone yet.) 


When she started crying at our door, I was stuck! I told her I wasn't coming back in, and I knew I couldn't go back on it. So, for 6 minutes I sat in my bed and heard the following:


"Moooooommmmmmyyy!"
:Crying:
"Daaaaaaadddddddddyy!"
:More crying:
"Mommy wake? Daddy wake? Geeby wake?" - Yeah, she was even trying to recruit her little brother into helping her.
:More crying:
"Mommy room?"
:Screaming crying:
"Mooooooooommmmmmmmyyyyy!"


After 6 minutes of awful, I told Honey he had to go in there. I told Katie I wasn't coming back, but I didn't say anything about Daddy not coming back! So he went and tucked her back in and a few minutes later, I found this:




As it turns out, Honey asked if she wanted to be tucked back in bed, or if she wanted to sleep on the floor. Obviously she sobbed "The beeeeeeeeeeeddddd!", so he tucked her in and that was that.


Bed time last night went a little more smoothly. We only had to tuck her back in twice before she fell asleep. And just now at nap time, she went right to sleep without getting out of bed at all!


The moral is, I know that sometimes Mommy-ing is hard, but the hard things are worth it. Listening to your baby cry for you specifically is terrible! Knowing that all you have to do to fix your baby's (immediate) problem is to open that door and hug her, but also knowing that you can't, is AWFUL. My baby's real problem wasn't that she needed me - she didn't. What she needed was to stay in bed and get a good, restful sleep. It only took 2 days of a little tough Mommy-ing, and she's back to being my good sleeper.

I usually don't write about the "bad" things that my sweet baby girl does. I use the term "bad" very loosely. Really, she's an almost-two-year-old.. you can't expect text book perfection. More importantly, she's a very strong-willed, independent almost-two-year-old and she just has more personality than "perfection" could handle. Anyway, life with that sweet, hard-headed little thing has been a little less than fun and games the past few days.


Katie is now almost a big girl, so a few weeks ago she got her big girl bed. She was perfectly happy in her crib, but Baby G needed it since he had outgrown his bassinet. To make the transition a little easier, I got the brightest, prettiest, KBiest bed set I could find.






I sat KB down and told her that it was time to sleep in a big girl bed and she was so excited! We started with the mattress on the floor so she could get used to it. I opened the door and this happened:








Needless to say, she loved it. This is how the first week went:







Yes, every night. We could hear her playing and talking to her babies for about 30 minutes and then she was out. There were a few nights where I went to check on her and found her asleep on the floor, but otherwise, the transition went as smoothly as it possibly could have. 


And then this week happened, but my sleeping beauty is now up from her nap so that is a story for tomorrow. So consider this Part One.

Now it's time for Silly Songs With Mommy, the part of the show where Mommy comes out and sings a silly song.

Here's a confession post, and it's something I feel like I'm not supposed to say.

I really miss working.

Don't worry, I can already feel the mental slaps from hundreds of women, many of my friends, coming my way.

I never, ever expected that I'd be a stay at home mom. To be really honest, I never expected that I would have that luxury. I am incredibly blessed to be able to stay at home with my babies, and I know that. But I really, really miss working.

I suppose the grass is always greener. I know full well that if I had a 40 hour a week job, I would want nothing more than to spend all day, every day with my beautiful babies. And to be honest again, I don't really want to *not* be with them, either. There's no way I would give up watching all the firsts I've been able to watch happen! I can't stand the thought of someone else spending all day with my babies while we are financially able to let me do that.

But on the other hand... I miss leaving the house every day. I miss the majority of my conversation taking place with an adult. As much as I love repeating every single word KB says, which I do, (I did it just because it felt natural, but as it turns out, it really helps their verbal abilities. Who knew?!) I sometimes would just enjoy quiet. I sort of envy people who get to spend a little time in traffic, alone with their thoughts.

I know what's caused this. Besides the fact that it's been a little over three years since I held a full-time job, my new problem is that I haven't made SAHM/W friends in Memphis yet. Memphis isn't a typical military city, so there aren't a million wives and kids hanging out while their husbands/daddies are working. Jason hasn't checked in to the command yet, so I haven't met any of the wives of his coworkers.

The coolest thing ever would be to find a job where I could take my babies with me. I can hold off until they start school if I need to, but if anybody has any ideas, just let me know!