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Sunday, March 17, 2013

Speaking of crazy..

So, I had this post pretty much written the other day when I posted Part 1. But now, after talking to some more friends, I think this post is going to go in a different direction. I think it's pretty important to talk about some of the things women go through after childbirth. When I wrote that I was tired and anxious and depressed, I didn't go into detail. Another friend basically pulled that out of me when she said it had happened to her, too.

From the moments I knew they were inside me, I loved my babies. There was never any question. I loved feeling every kick, every hiccup, I prayed that they would be healthy and bright, and above all, happy. It never occurred to me that I might should pray that I would be happy as well.

Katie's birth story was pretty amazing, and you can read about it here - . And as happy as I was that she was ok, that she was healthy, and as much as I loved her, I did not feel attached to her. It wasn't the mother-daughter birth story you read about.. I wanted every good thing for her, and I felt the natural urge to do everything I could to ensure her health and happiness. She was my daughter. But, as another friend put it, I felt more like the babysitter. I was there to feed and comfort her, and to read to her and count her toes, but surely she belonged to someone else?

I felt like this for Katie for a very long time. Later, once I realized that most people do not feel that way, I realized it must have been a form of PTSD from the way she was born. Or maybe it was because I was stressed so mentally because Jason was deployed. To be sure, it got better when I was only a month out from Jason coming home. And interestingly enough, this is also the time I decided to get back on birth control.

This was December of 2010. Looking back on it, I know this is about the time I started to really connect with Katie. I always assumed that was because this was our first opportunity alone. We moved back to Guam and it was just us, waiting on Daddy. And I felt great! I was happy!

I stayed on birth control until June of 2011, when we decided to try and conceive Baby Fred #2. Turns out that we're crazy people, and we conceived on the very first shot. I was officially pregnant and telling friends we were expecting #2 within 2 weeks. I guess my body levels out a bit with pregnancy, because I didn't have any emotional problems while I was pregnant with Geeby.

And then the pregnancy went off without a hitch. I spent a long time worrying, and he came out perfect. Small, but perfect. But soon after he was born, and probably soon after the pregnancy hormones wore off, I began to feel about him the same as I had felt about Katie in the beginning. I didn't realize it was something I could fix with medication.. I honestly just thought I was a terrible person. Here was this little boy that I loved so much, but I just couldn't force myself to feel like he was really, really my SON.

And now you already know the story between then and now. I figured it out, and I am so happy I did. In fact, I'm genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. There are things that stress me still, for sure! But I'm getting back to being me, and I am so happy about that. I know there are a few people who read this that I can count on for prayers, and I want to say thank you to them. I love y'all so much! And in case anyone is wondering, I feel 100% crazy mama bear attached to my two beautiful babies.