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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Sorry, but I'm more concerned with me - A short novel

I've been having a hard time with my decision to go home for the past few weeks.  My number one thought is "What if Jason can't make it there?"  To be honest, that terrifies me and breaks my heart all at the same time.  Talk about the worst feeling ever.. I feel incredibly selfish for wanting to be at home with my family and friends during one of the most important times of my life.  I shouldn't have to feel that way!  It would be different if Jason was guaranteed to be here, but he's not.  That boat schedule changes (quite literally) every day.  Something could happen with a random foreign country on the day before a pull in is scheduled, and Jason might not be home for months.  Staying here just doesn't seem like the right thing for ME to do.  Not when I don't have pets, don't have a full time job, and therefor don't have responsibilities.. Sorry.

Speaking of responsibilities, though.. I guess I do have one.  I am the Ombudsman for the City of Corpus Christi, and that is a big responsibility.  When I took the position, however, I was not pregnant, and had no intentions of becoming that way any time soon.  When I said "Yes, I would STILL like to be Ombudsman", I had no way to know that my husband might not make it for the birth.  I also had no way to know that I would have a slightly "complicated" pregnancy because of the diabetes.  No, it isn't really that big of a deal right now, but it could turn that way at any point.  The command has been very helpful by asking another lady to be my Co-Ombudsman.  They have been very accommodating with my decision to go home, and I appreciate that so much.  What I don't appreciate is hearing "Some people [spouses] don't think you should be going home because you took the Ombudsman position."  Wow.  Really?  First of all, I don't care what other spouses think.  Secondly, while I do value my position as Ombudsman, my husband is in the Navy, not me.

To be honest, though, giving birth on Guam isn't something I was ever excited about.  The hospital has made improvements over the last few years, but it still isn't up to par with what we as Americans are used to.  There is no NICU, so if something were to go wrong, baby would have to be med-evaced to Japan or Hawaii.  Sure, there are about 30 babies born at Naval Hospital every single month, and the majority of them have no complications.  I don't want to risk it, though.

Who would want to give birth to her first child without a husband, on a tiny island, without the comforts of home?  Who wants to do this without her family support?  Both of our moms, and I found out later, my grandparents, were planning to come out here for the birth.  While that made me feel wonderful, the fact that round-trip tickets are $1,600 made me feel like a heel!  Sure, take the amount of money that most people spend on a house note, and fly to see us for a week.

Even if Jason would be allowed to come home because I was here, he would only be allowed 10 days.  So, for 10 days, I would have family help and support, but after that, nada.  I would be completely alone with a newborn for at least the next two months.  Sorry, but that just doesn't sound like something I'm prepared for. I know there are ladies here who would offer to help out, but it's just not the same.  I wouldn't call any of them when I haven't slept for 2 days because of a baby with colic.  There are just some things that women are supposed to have their mothers and grandmothers around for.

Mom, me and Janny 
Me and Felicia (Jason's mom) on our wedding day

Me and Mammaw on my wedding day
I've written a novel defending myself and my plans, and I shouldn't have had to do that.  I haven't been able to get this off my mind for the past few weeks.  Also, the closer I get to having to leave Jason, the more I feel like a terrible person for doing so.  I know I'm doing what's best for me, though.  I know he understands, because that man loves me more than I deserve.  I just pray every single night that he is able to be home with me when our baby girl arrives.  I know it won't be easy if he's not, but I also know that I wouldn't be able to cope alone.  I have to do what's best for me, and this is it.


  1. I think it's great you've started a blog to chronicle your's a shame you think its a narcissistic thing to do...but I might be biased because I had many wonderful ladies that I know in real life (and only online) that are bloggers help me through a major ordeal.

    Someone is always going to have something to say. Personally, I think you need to do what is best for you and your family in the end. The only part of it that would've concerned me, and since we're on another sub now, obviously doesn't is that you're the ombud. If the command hadn't appointed a co, then that could've been a challenge for the wives here on the rock that need that liaison. But it appears its a non issue anyhow.

    Many woman have had their kids with the daddy gone, many others (myself included) have been fortunate enough that they were present. Learning the play the hand you're dealt as a military wife can be tricky business! But in the end, you, your spouse and your child(ren) are what you need to work for at the end of the day.

    Good luck getting home and with all that's to come after!

  2. Oh honey. I know the feeling. When I had Fox, I was terrified there would be something wrong, because he'd have to be med-evaced to a hospital over 1k miles away, since our hospital has a total of 1 birthing room. And I had no family support, and if I did it would have cost about the same amount to come here as it would for your family to get to Guam. And while not nearly as bad as 2 months, Mike had to leave for a week pretty much as soon as I got home from the hospital. So I can relate on all those points and I totally agree that you should go home!

    Don't let anyone make you feel bad about going home. It's the right thing to do for you, obviously, so don't EVEN think about what anyone else says or does. Only you know all the intimate details of the how, where and why. And only you can let them make you feel bad about it, so just let it go in one ear and out the other :)

  3. hey i feel the same way!! i told thomas if i were to become prego here that i would go home for the entire time of the pregnancy not just the birth. dont worry about what people say or think. i hope jason does get to go home for the birth. good luck!!!

  4. I feel you, lady. While rob was here for the birth, he was here for only the first two weeks of her life then gone again for the next two months. So here I am, 2am with a fussy one month old who refuses to go back to sleep. And no one to take her when she's upset. My mom is 2 miles away, but while I can always call her, it doesn't seem fair when nothing is actually wrong. Alone with a newborn is tough work-I can't imagine doing it on Guam. I love you, girl. Hang in there!

  5. Thanks, everybody. I actually felt about a million times better after just writing this. Sam, I was mostly joking with the narcissistic comment. I love reading other peoples' blogs, I just didn't figure people would care to read mine. Thanks again for all the comments!

    Jess, I can't wait to see you!

    Celeste, I WISH I could see you and finally meet Fox! That needs to happen before he's a teenager, ok? Though certainly not too soon. My body would not be able to adjust from tropical island to tundra..

  6. All I have to say about this is I love you and don't worry about anything...everything is gonna be perfect!