So, in this exact moment, both babies are sleeping, dinner is finished and the kitchen is clean, though still in shambles from trying to unpack. Jason is cleaning the new (old, very old) spare fridge, and I am sitting down with a much-needed glass of wine. New Moon is on, so needless to say, I'm not distracted at all. That, my friends, is absolutely not sarcasm. I hate this movie.

Ok! So here's what happened to my baby maker! All sorts of interesting things happened to me last month, so here goes!

When Baby G was 6 weeks old, I went in for my post-c section follow up appointment. After much thought, I had settled on getting a Mirena IUD as my birth control. I hate pills, and though we knew we were done DONE after Geebs, I wasn't quite confident enough in that decision to get my tubes tied. So I asked for a Mirena.

First of all, I should have known something scary was going down when the nurse came in for the express purpose of holding my hand. HUH?! WHY do I need anybody to hold my hand?? Then my OB/GYN told me that I would feel a little pressure and probably some cramping afterward.

HOLY FREAKING LORD. That was seriously some awful pain. Like, much worse than c-section recovery pain. She said it was most likely worse for me because not only have I only had c-sections, but my cervix has never actually dilated past a 1. To insert the IUD, they had to dilate the cervix and place it up in there. Yikes. At that point, I was glad nobody had ever told me how much it hurt, or I wouldn't have gotten it done. Turns out, somebody should have told me how much it hurt.

Fast forward 7 weeks, and I'm just mad at the stupid thing. I gained 6 lbs in 8 weeks and couldn't shake them no matter how hard I tried. I bled for 3 solid weeks, and then cramped and bled at least once a week after that. I had a ton of reasons, but the main thing was that I just plain out didn't like it. Besides the weight gain, I couldn't put my finger on why.. I just didn't like it.

I went to see the OB who delivered Katie and asked to have it removed. His nurse assured me that it wouldn't be anywhere nearly as painful as having it placed. He went in with this little bristle tip brush to remove it. It was supposed to grab the IUD strings with the bristles and just pull it out.. except it didn't work.  So then Dr. Kellum apologized profusely and said he was going to have to dilate me again to get it out. I honestly almost cried, but he said he'd give me a shot to numb the area first. (Hello?? Why didn't Dr. Moore do that??) He showed me the twisty torture device he had to use to dilate me, and then showed me the little hook he'd have to use to try and grab the IUD. He went to work doing that, and had me recite every word I could think of in Hawaiian to try and take my mind off of the pain. Yeah, that didn't work. After a few minutes, he sighed really big and admitted defeat. He couldn't find the thing at all.

At this point Dr. Kellum explained that there was really no telling where the IUD was without an ultrasound, so he'd send me for one and we'd go from there. But at that exact moment, my only thought was "What if I'm pregnant?!" I mean.. the weight gain, the weird bleeding.. if this thing wasn't where it was supposed to be, it certainly couldn't be doing it's job! I asked Dr. Kellum, and he got a very strange look on his face. He said they'd check my urine sample and he left the room.

LONGEST FIVE MINUTES OF MY LIFE.

Dr. Kellum came back in, patted me on the back, and gave me the news that I was indeed not pregnant. And then he says, "You're one lucky lady. I would have bet money on a positive pregnancy test!" I went on for my ultrasound, they found the IUD *IN* my uterus, and I went back to see Dr. Kellum.

He said my only real option was surgery and explained how they'd do it. He would do a hysteroscopy, a camera up through the cervix to see where the IUD was, and then remove it if they could. If not, they would have to do laparoscopic surgery to remove it. While they were doing that, they could easily tie my tubes if I wanted him to. I thought that sounded like a stellar idea at this point, so I agreed. I also had to give consent for a hysterectomy "just in case things got messy". I did sign the consent, but I was adamant that I only wanted it to happen if it was absolutely necessary, even after Dr. Kellum explained that it would only be a partial hysterectomy - meaning he would only take the uterus but leave the ovaries, so my body would still produce the hormones I need but I would never be able to carry another baby or have another period.

Fast forward again to Monday, and I was up at the hospital at 7 am, ready to go. The nurse explained that, if everything went according to plan, the surgery would take 30 minutes, and I would wake up about 30 minutes after they finished. I went in to surgery at 11 am, and woke up at 2 pm. What does that tell you?

My only memories from the first few hours after surgery are of severe pain. Worst pain in my life pain. Every time I came to I was in a fetal position and crying from the cramping. Holy moly. I vaguely remember Dr. Kellum saying he wanted to keep me overnight to help manage my pain, and that was it. They kept giving me pain killers that put me to sleep and I finally woke up about 6 pm. Dr. Kellum came in and explained that surgery had "gotten complicated". The IUD had grown so far into the uterine wall that he had a lot of trouble removing it. The only reason he didn't go ahead with the hysterectomy was because he remembered how much I didn't want one. He did tie the tubes, though, and it turns out that is what the pain was coming from. One of the nurses came in and said "I don't like to tell my patients how bad it is, but it's far worse than labor pains." Nice to know.

So anyway, my baby maker is now closed for business, and I'm ok with that. After a few days of general lady fun, I feel back to normal. In fact, I've lost 3 lbs in this last week, and my clothes aren't quite as tight as they had gotten. The moral of this story is that IUDs are Satan's birth control. If you already have it and you just love the crazy thing, please have it checked to make sure the strings are where they're supposed to be. I am so blessed that I wasn't pregnant, for one thing, and that I didn't have to have a hysterectomy. Geeze. Stupid IUD!